"The heart is a bloom, shoots up through stony ground," - U2 Beautiful Day
"The most unfortunate thing about the concept of
mysticism is that the word itself has become mystified—relegated to
a “misty” and distant realm that implies it is only available to a very few.
For me, the word “mysticism” simply means experiential knowledge of
spiritual things, in contrast to book knowledge, secondhand knowledge, or
even church knowledge."
- Richard Rohr
Rohr goes on to say that those of us who have been
"churched," that is, have grown up going to church, often learned to
distrust ourselves and our own inner experience. My Fundamentalist Evangelical Mennonite
denomination too taught me not to trust my heart, or my instincts. They told me
that "the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately
wicked;" Jeremiah 17:9. My heart, what I felt in my bones to be good,
right and beautiful could not be believed. Only the Bible was to be believed. A
Bible that was never “interpreted” – it said what God meant to say and it was
so. Kids take what adults tell them as the truth. I don’t think they were being
purposefully malicious. They were repeating what had been taught over multiple
generations.
It was only years later that I realized that teaching us not
to trust our own hearts was a method of self-policing, a method of coercive control used by those in authority. It’s just been so normalized over millennia that we don’t
give it a second thought. I used to think that we needed to believe in our
hearts innate evilness so we could maintain “self-control.” It helped us to do
good. All it did for me was make me question my motives for everything I did.
I was squashed in a shame and guilt sandwich with a smearing
of the thinnest layer of grace; only enough to taste it in the moment. I sound
kind of bitter. But really, I have gotten over it. When I think of the years
that I constantly "fell short of the glory of God" and like I was the
"lukewarm water" that Jesus spit out, it makes me sad.
I have learned to trust my heart, to listen to my inner
voice, to discern when I engage in self-preservation because I feel threatened
in some way, when my natural tendency to love is blocked. Our bodies, minds and
hearts act and think and feel in ways that try to keep us safe.
A few years ago, I was reading or listening to something
about understanding why we get defensive and hurt those we love. When we feel like
we are going to be hurt we put up an invisible shield in defense. When we are
hurt or hurting, we get out the spear. My husband and I have been putting down
our metaphorical shields and spears ever since. It’s a lot of work to clean
them out of the house. My heart is not evil. It is just trying to keep me safe.
Mysticism isn't some ethereal plane reached by a few. It is
about observing, thinking slowly, learning that one’s inner knowing is true
when one is truly honest with oneself. It is a coming home within, so that home
is never far away, but always near. And it’s safe.
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